Yearning for You to say Go

About 6 weeks ago I got some news that I did NOT love. For pretty much my entire life I've wanted to be a Kojie at ACU (for you non ACU people, it's a social club at ACU, which is like a sorority at a state school). My mom was one, and it was just what I was supposed to do. Well, as much as I wanted to be a Kojie, they didn't want me. And six weeks ago I had a lot of stuff I wanted to write to express how I felt. I was hurt and upset and confused and angry. But I didn't. The past six weeks have been an incredible learning experience for me. And most importantly it's been a growing experience for me- a chance to grow my relationship with God. I've come to realize that my relationship with God is what's absolutely most important in this world, and a social club would have just distracted from that for me. I'm not saying social clubs are horrible- because I have dear sweet friends in club and love them all. But in this season of my life, club was not what I needed. Am I still hurt about it? yes. absolutely. But I've definitely grown in my relationship with God because of not being in club.

One thing that helped so incredibly much was the song Waiting Room by Jonny Diaz. I am IN LOVE with this song. And I can thank my sweet best friend Kelly for introducing it to me. So I want to leave you with the lyrics.. they're wonderful and great.

Here in this waiting room yearning for You to say go
And though I’m convinced that a yes would be best
This time You’re telling me no

It’s not that I don’t have an answer
It’s just not the one that I’d like
But through this time Lord I must keep in mind
You’re always wiser than I

You have a much better purpose
And You have a far greater plan
And You have a bigger perspective
Cause You hold this world in your hands

The things that I seek are from You
Like the strong healing touch of your hand
But when You say no help me trust even though
There’s a reason I can’t understand

You have a much better purpose
And You have a far greater plan
And You have a bigger perspective
Cause You hold this world in your hands

When that miracle comes cause Your answer is yes
I will praise you for all of my days
But when Your wisdom declares that a no what's best
I will praise You just the same

You have a much better purpose
And You have a far greater plan
And You have a bigger perspective
Cause You hold this world in your hands

You hold this world in your hands

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm glad for this experience to grow with God. I KNOW he is leading me somewhere so awesome I can't even comprehend. I just have to wait and see..

thank you for being a friend

My parents are AMAZING. seriously, you may think your parents are great, but mine are FANTASTIC. They have done so much and gone above and beyond the past few weeks (the past few weeks? really my whole life).

My mom has made countless trips to wal-mart, target, container store, and so many others the past few weeks trying to get me ready for sophomore year. And before all of this shopping began she was the ultimate mom taking care of me during my surgery/recovery. Seriously.. I had to take my pain meds every 4 hours, and she had alarms set all through the night to make sure I got my pain meds right on schedule. And she has just gone beyond out of her way to make sure I've got everything for my dorm and sophomore year set. She's my best friend. She's really shown me what it's like to live for Christ and show Him through her actions.

And my dad has been such a trouper this week. He's got A LOT on his plate with work and other things, and he has still been doing so much for our dorm room. He's built like 40 pieces of furniture and hung all kinds of things all over the place.. and has never complained. Both of them have just been awesome. They definitely put everyone before themselves and it was such an amazing example. I'm so blessed to have them for parents.

On a fun note- our dorm looks SOOO cute. We are still finishing up our decor.. so pictures are coming soon! It's amazing being on our own. We're having our first family dinner tonight, and I'm so excited about it all! ( the pic of me and my mom at the top is in our living room- so there's a sneak peak of the room!)

you're only a day away

Well, tonight marks my last night home before another exciting school year! that's right, clothes are packed, room is cleaned (for the first time all summer), the u-haul is loaded and we leave on that lovely six hour drive to Abilene tomorrow! And I am SO excited for it. Don't get me wrong, this summer has been PERFECT. Seriously, it's been an absolutely amazing summer thanks to Bammel. I have LOVED my job and learned so much. But, I am so truly excited to be backin Abilene. (How sad is it that I'm so thrilled to be moving to a city of barely 100,000 people!?)

I'm really excited about what this semester and year holds. I'm so glad to not be a freshman anymore! This year, I'm living with two of my best friends in the world. They are precious and wonderful and darling and I adore them. And this weekend will be nothing but reuniting with them and decorating our super cute apartment/dorm. I cannot wait. And as nerdy as this sounds, I'm so excited for what my education holds this semester. I'm finally really getting into a lot of my education classes, and I'm just really looking forward to all of it! I'm really hoping to grow my relationship with God this year as well. I think with all of my experiences this summer, my relationship is so much deeper, and hopefully that will only continue throughout the year.

On a completely different note, today is my 9th day since my tonsillectomy! We went to the doctor today for my post-op appointment and everything is looking good! He was very impressed with my progress- Woohoo! Tonsillectomies = no fun. The first week post op wasn't pretty. I didn't respond well to the pain meds at first, so that was a challenge. But things are going smoothly now. I don't think I'll be eating any popsicles or ice cream for a loooong while though, I've had loads of it since last tuesday. Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers for me during my surgery and recovery!

bibles, bugs, and blisters, oh my!

cheesy title, i know..

Wow, okay so it's been about 72 years since i updated this thing.. or maybe just a few weeks.. but it seems like a long while! Let me just tell you, things have been moving at the speed of light this summer! I really keep meaning to just sit down and type it all out, but there has barely been a moment to breath, much less reflect on my summer!

Well, just a few hours ago I got home from Camp Ten:10 with SONsational Kids. Man, I LOVE summer camp. I do. It's long and hot and gross, but it is SO much fun also. And I absolutely LOVE SONsational Kids. It's seriously the best job I've ever had. I've learned so much about children's ministry, and it's given me such confidence that I could possible do this for a career one day. I've learned so much about parenting from seeing Brandi and the way she is with her amazing kids. And I've learned SO much just about myself. I've had two of the best co-interns in the whole world. In fact, last night we stayed out til 3 am just talking and bonding because it was our last night of camp. I love Melissa and Will (or grandma and gigantor, as we lovingly call them in the office)- they are so much fun to be around and I've learned so much from them just be being in their presence. I've already teared up a little thinking about leaving all of this behind. Dont get me wrong, I am BEYOND excited to be back in Abilene with my beautiful friends.. but this summer has been amazing. I knew when I first officially agreed to be a children's intern that I would have an awesome summer- but never could I have dreamed it would be this rewarding.

Okay wow, I didn't intend to just ramble on about how blessed I feel by my job. I really intended for this post to be just about camp! So where to begin with camp..

First of all we were at a wonderful location. We were at the Trinity Pines camp facility in the large and bustling town of Trinity, Texas (which I know you alll know where it is). This place was awesome- they had a huge pool, blob, canoeing, putt putt, disc golf, and a ropes course for all of the kids to enjoy in the afternoons. However, since this was camp out in east texas during august, bugs were EVERYWHERE and the sun was excruciatingly hot. And because of that I have come home with about 593 mosquito bites and a blistering sunburn all over my shoulders and chest. so fun. That's really my fault though, I'm way stubborn when it comes to wearing bug spray and sun screen.

But moving on.. I had an AWESOME cabin. I was a co-counselor for a group of fifth grade girls. My other co-counselor was the most amazing lady. I learned SO much about patience and parenting from her this week. She was such a blessing. And my lovely little ladies were so precious.. our team name was the "eleven from heaven" since there was eleven of us.. and they were just the cutest bunch in the world. Seriously, I couldn't have asked for a better cabin. They didn't stay up all night giggling or being obnoxious, they were sweet and willing to help whenever anyone needed it, and there was rarely any homesickness! Those girls showed me so much about having a servants heart. Seriously, after every meal I had girls who would just go around picking up people's trays. And after I got my horrendous sunburn I had campers always offering to carry my backpack for me. They were completely fabulous.

In the mornings they had rotations of arts and crafts (my favorite), sports, and bible class and in the afternoons they had all of those activities I mentioned earlier. Then at night we had worship and a fun evening game: minute to win it game the first night, ticks and chiggers (my favorite camp game EVER.) the second, and a giant camp wide night swim party the last night!

This morning was definitely the best part of camp. After breakfast they all went over to our main meeting room and there was a big communion spread thing laid out. Before camp, all of the kids were instructed to bring a biblical-times costume. So they put on their costumes and then we did a recreation of the last supper so they could feel like they were a part of it. It was really really special. After communion they were all given a sticky note. On the sticky note they wrote a sin or fault they wanted to leave at the cross, and then they all placed them up on a big cross. And oh my goodness, this was SO emotional. This isn't the first time I've seen a demonstration like this, but this was with 3rd through 6th graders.. that put a whole new spin on things. These were KIDS being so open and honest and just laying their faults and Jesus' feet. I'm a very visual learner- I can still remember in 8th grade going to HEB camp with Bammel and doing an activity very similar and just balling for ever afterwords because I could really grasp what it meant to have Jesus die for my sins. And seeing that again this morning just made me even more emotional. I've always felt like I'm too imperfect. I'm to flawed, and I don't deserve to have Jesus forgive me. It's completely not fair that someone SO perfect had to die because of all of my imperfections. Which, by the way was our camp theme- "No Fair, No Foul" Our main verse was John 16:33, one of my absolute FAVORITES. And after they put all of their sins on the cross (and Melissa, Brandi and I are just balling watching it all) we have just an awesome worship session. Seriously, there is nothing more moving or uplifting then hearing and witnessing kids just praising their maker and creator. I think kids voices are just so pure and honest, and hearing that sung to God was just so inspiring.

So, all in all it was an AWESOME week of camp. Tomorrow is my last day in the office.. which just makes me want to cry even thinking about it. And, oh get this. I'm getting my tonsils out on Tuesday. WHAT!? i know. Tuesday afternoon I will be tonsil-less. So that's great.. and I leave for Abilene on the 20th. This summer is QUICKLY drawing to a close.

you get what you need

It's 11pm on a saturday night and what am I doing? Well let me tell you what I'm not doing. I'm not stoned, I'm not drunk, and I'm not hooking up with some random guy.

I used to be so proud of that statement. I wore it like a badge of honor, like "yeah, I don't party, and you're a loser because you do" kind of thing. But lately, I've felt the exact opposite. I've felt like I was some sort of outcast because I wasn't doing that sort of thing. I've felt alone.

So much has gone on the past few months where I have felt like the ONLY person not drinking or fooling around. I have felt so stupid and sheltered and embarrassed because I still have morals. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way trying to say that- because I don't party, I'm a better person. I don't believe that at all. I have made my fair share of mistakes- sin is sin in God's eyes. But I have just felt like I'm the only one not partying on a saturday night and then waking up on Sunday morning a putting on the "christian face." Because right now, a whole lot of the people that I look up to and respect when it comes to being a Christian are the ones doing all of the partying. And that's not right. As Christians, we shouldn't have two faces. And I realize that it is not my place to judge, and I'm really trying not to, like i said, I'm definitely not perfect either.. but as Christians aren't we called to a higher standard? aren't we called to follow in Jesus' footsteps?

But I'm not writing this blog to preach about how, as Christians we should strive to live our lives only for God and not the world (though I could go on an on about that, trust me). I have a different point.. and that has to deal with the whole feeling alone thing. See, while I've been dealing with all of this, I haven't had any one to turn to about it. My best friends from college don't live anywhere near close to me, i haven't talked to my best friends from high school in who knows how long, and my very best friend (Kelly- for those of you who dont know) hasnt been in my life much lately- which is the saddest thing in the world. Things have just been SO hectic lately (and I promise a blog update super soon with what all has gone on this summer!) that I haven't been able to talk about this horrible feeling with anyone, which has made me feel even more alone in this.

But tonight was perfect. The Bammel Honduras mission team got in tonight and I so tonight for the first time in a a LONG time Kelly and I got to sit down and have a big heart to heart about everything that's been going on in our lives lately. And once we got passed the whole "oh my goodness what's going on!?" stuff.. we started talking about what's really bothering us- so I brought up how I've felt so alone lately. I told her about how I felt like I was the only person on this planet right now not wanting to have sex or smoke pot. And you know what.. she is going through the exact same thing. And she told me about how she had this same conversation with another good friend of ours. And it hit me right then that I wasn't alone. Yea, I may feel alone or left out sometimes for what I believe, but I'm not. God definitely put Kelly in my life for a reason (I've been saying that for many years though- she's the most incredible best friend in the world.) But right then and there I knew that God put us in this situation so we could deal with it together. God has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it.. His timing and perfection just blows my mind.

And then I realized that (and sorry, this is gonna be cliche) that even if I hadn't had this awesome conversation with Kelly.. I still wouldn't be alone. Because God's never gonna leave me. Even though I may feel rotten and alone and like I'm some horrible person for not wanting to sin, I'm gonna have God behind me. It's just hard to remember that He's there sometimes since I can't physically see Him or feel Him in my life- which is why it's such a blessing to have Kelly and friends like her in my life.

So that's where I am right now.. I'm not saying I feel better about the whole situation, because I don't. But i'm glad to know I'm not completely alone. I'm never alone.

awesome

okay, so it's been about 145678234 years since my last post, and i am SO truly sorry for that! SO SO much has been happening lately- i finished my first year of COLLEGE (which means i finished all of those stressful projects and long nights of studying for finals!), i started (and in one week will be finished!) a summer school class, and most importantly started my incredible job!

In my last blog, I think I left you hanging with some pretty big news- well I was going to write this huge long post about my summer, and i actually started it, but it wasn't great. Maybe i'll go back and finish it someday.. but for now you'll have to settle for this: I have an incredible job for the summer! I'm one of the children's interns at my wonderful home church. I am SO excited about this job, I don't think I have the words to describe it. Today was my first day, and this morning I tweeted (oh yes, I'm on twitter) about being so excited, I compared it to being like a child on Christmas morning- but even that doesn't do justice to how fully pumped I am to see what God has in store for this summer! I could go on about this for a LONG time, trust me.. but for now I'm going to move on to another topic, but dont worry.. there will be plenty of posts this summer updating you on this summer goes!

Okay, so I finished my freshman year of college- that's a big deal! Such a big deal that I want to dedicate an entire post to that.. I want to take time to think and reflect on all the ways I've grown and changed.. So that's being put on the back burner for right now. I promise, it'll come soon enough- but for now I have something else I want I want to chat about..

So there's this book that my wonderful boss showed us today called The Book of Awesome.

I dont know if you've heard of this before, or maybe you've even read it.. but this book got me so excited! This book is pretty much just a compilation of awesome things in day to day life- simple things that could so easily be taken for granted.. but can be so awesome. Little things like the smell of playdoh, seeing 12:34 on a clock, pushing those little buttons on the soft drink lid, or picking dried glue off the lid.. such little things that don't mean much at all- but can bring so much joy at the same time. That's what life is about.. finding joy in the small things. I know we all have off days- trust me i've had my fair share of them.. but those little things that make you smile- even if it's as simple as spending an afternoon with your mom- those are what are important.

This reminds me of my favorite verse- Matthew 6:34.. Dont worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself- each day has enough trouble of it's own. We don't need to worry about what the future holds- it's all in God's hands- and that's the best place for it to be! I dont know about you, but if there is anyone I want controlling my future- it's the big guy upstairs. We shouldn't worry about the small little things- instead we should find joy in them! Why sweat the things that are out of our control- instead take sometime to appreciate the little things that are just.. awesome.

Here Comes Peter Cottontail..

When did Easter become all about stuff?

Don't get me wrong, I adore the colors, and the poofy dresses with white shoes, the fluffy bunnies, and of course the chocolate eggs are fantastic.. but this is a day about our savior being RISEN! And my goodness, that's surely something to celebrate, and celebrate everyday! But where is the relation between Jesus' great news and hunting for Easter eggs? Maybe I'm just missing some big metaphor or something..

fun fact: if you google-image "easter" this is the first image that comes up. that should say something.

Anywho.. I'm not downing Easter in ANY way, please don't think that. Like I said earlier, i really do love Easter (not as much as I love Christmas.. but nothing tops that time of year!) but nonetheless, I love it. I'm just curious as to when it became all about buying easter baskets and dresses.. Shouldn't we be focusing on what an AWESOME story we have to tell the world?? Maybe our culture has just added the gifts and candy to give even more reason to celebrate.. I'm just hoping the true meaning doesn't get lost.

On a lighter note.. I get to be the easter bunny twice this weekend. Ohhh yea (and on this note.. i have a really big blog with some exciting news coming soon.. its just in the process right now.. but i promise- it's coming!)