I used to be so proud of that statement. I wore it like a badge of honor, like "yeah, I don't party, and you're a loser because you do" kind of thing. But lately, I've felt the exact opposite. I've felt like I was some sort of outcast because I wasn't doing that sort of thing. I've felt alone.
So much has gone on the past few months where I have felt like the ONLY person not drinking or fooling around. I have felt so stupid and sheltered and embarrassed because I still have morals. Don't get me wrong, I am in no way trying to say that- because I don't party, I'm a better person. I don't believe that at all. I have made my fair share of mistakes- sin is sin in God's eyes. But I have just felt like I'm the only one not partying on a saturday night and then waking up on Sunday morning a putting on the "christian face." Because right now, a whole lot of the people that I look up to and respect when it comes to being a Christian are the ones doing all of the partying. And that's not right. As Christians, we shouldn't have two faces. And I realize that it is not my place to judge, and I'm really trying not to, like i said, I'm definitely not perfect either.. but as Christians aren't we called to a higher standard? aren't we called to follow in Jesus' footsteps?
But I'm not writing this blog to preach about how, as Christians we should strive to live our lives only for God and not the world (though I could go on an on about that, trust me). I have a different point.. and that has to deal with the whole feeling alone thing. See, while I've been dealing with all of this, I haven't had any one to turn to about it. My best friends from college don't live anywhere near close to me, i haven't talked to my best friends from high school in who knows how long, and my very best friend (Kelly- for those of you who dont know) hasnt been in my life much lately- which is the saddest thing in the world. Things have just been SO hectic lately (and I promise a blog update super soon with what all has gone on this summer!) that I haven't been able to talk about this horrible feeling with anyone, which has made me feel even more alone in this.
But tonight was perfect. The Bammel Honduras mission team got in tonight and I so tonight for the first time in a a LONG time Kelly and I got to sit down and have a big heart to heart about everything that's been going on in our lives lately. And once we got passed the whole "oh my goodness what's going on!?" stuff.. we started talking about what's really bothering us- so I brought up how I've felt so alone lately. I told her about how I felt like I was the only person on this planet right now not wanting to have sex or smoke pot. And you know what.. she is going through the exact same thing. And she told me about how she had this same conversation with another good friend of ours. And it hit me right then that I wasn't alone. Yea, I may feel alone or left out sometimes for what I believe, but I'm not. God definitely put Kelly in my life for a reason (I've been saying that for many years though- she's the most incredible best friend in the world.) But right then and there I knew that God put us in this situation so we could deal with it together. God has a funny way of giving you what you need when you need it.. His timing and perfection just blows my mind.
And then I realized that (and sorry, this is gonna be cliche) that even if I hadn't had this awesome conversation with Kelly.. I still wouldn't be alone. Because God's never gonna leave me. Even though I may feel rotten and alone and like I'm some horrible person for not wanting to sin, I'm gonna have God behind me. It's just hard to remember that He's there sometimes since I can't physically see Him or feel Him in my life- which is why it's such a blessing to have Kelly and friends like her in my life.
So that's where I am right now.. I'm not saying I feel better about the whole situation, because I don't. But i'm glad to know I'm not completely alone. I'm never alone.
